problems bin masalah

I am the type of person who criticized myself. Every mistakes that I ever made in my whole entire life (even when the mistakes is hell tiny error), will make me scrutinized myself over and over again each time I remembered them. I can't help but hating myself for making the mistakes. I mean.. I know that I am not an angel. Perfect forever. Though, forgiveness is not something you can get so easily. Well... when forgiving someone else mistakes is hard, yours should be worst right?
A few years ago, I've made a big mistake. NO! Don't give it a random and crazy ideas!
I'm not pregnant okay? I'm still a virgin Alhamdulillah.
I mean.. I choose the wrong decision that twist everything in my life.
If i have  not done what i did, I wont be here I guess. I mean, I do think that this is good. At least, I do learnt something. Though, once you get it wrong, it wont make it any easier for you. Everything seems to be harder and harder with each day that passed. Again it is stated, I'm not an angel. I'm not perfect. I made mistakes. I feel bad. I had my up and down. And now, as I struggling doing my best to be on top of everything again, everything seems to be not hard enough.
I want to succeed, though I know I can't make my parents worries about me. I've grown up enough to know that I am in no position to make them worries. And lot more worst, I feel and believe that I can't make things hard for them. Like yeah.. things are hard enough for me.. and I can't even share with them? I know.. Silly. I just can't. I don't know how can I tell them that I am struggling to live here with no money whenever I know that they are struggling too to live there back at home. How am going to tell them that this place is sucks whenever that they put their hope in me to strike my best in everything that i did here?
how can I tell them that I cried like crazy after thinking of everything that is so hard to be done and had no one to tell when I know they had worried me more than they do?
How can I tell them I cried so hard till my eyes were all swollen the next morning and even blinking make it hurt just because I miss them so much as I feel so alone here when they just got back home a few days before? I can't. They had just too much to worried about. I need to be successful on my own. And I don't know how.
There's wise saying this thought on Facebook that I've read before ;

If you realized that somehow your life journey is too easy, maybe you should look back and think for a while. That life might not be yours.

I agreed with the quotes after seeing the outcome. I mean.. my life at UPSI, so smooth. I had money, easy transportation, good life, good dress, nice shoes, skipped classes with no resentment, doing my assignment unlikely, and still scores good results, studies the night before and read a few things that I feel important whenever the subjects are crucial and still manage to passed, i mean yeah.. everything is so smooth and simple. All I need to do there is live.
Here, everything seems so hard. and everything came from one source of problems. Money. I mean.. money is not that important in life. Everyone said that. and I strongly believe that it not true.
Everything need money now. You can't live without money. You can't even eat without money. I mean.. Hey.. nak masuk toilet pon kene bayar taw, huhu..
And when we talk about being a university student, no matter if you're on IPTA or IPTS, without money, no one can do it. ANd with PTPTN things, God damn knows how I hate their stupid procedure.
I need money like seriously.. whoever read this.. please pray that I do get JPA scholarship. Even when I know I am not the kind of student to get those scholarship, who knows though. Luck is everywhere. Please pray for me. Please. And God.. please have your mercy on me. I've learnt enough. I know it. Please help me go through this.
I don't know what to write next. Good night. Assalamualaikum.. :'(
Suke tak?? KaLau suKe Like dan KomenLah yer? ^_^

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