Assalamualaikum and may peace be upon everyone.. Dearest readers,, Has it ever been into your thoughts of the feeling calmness? The serenity feeling that’s like even if all fails now, it’s okay. It’s fine. It does not even matter anymore. That all you could ever think of like thank God, finally I am whole again? Because I think recently I felt it that way.
You know.. I am an UiTM ers.. to be true, I never thought to be here where am I now, UiTM Arau. Not even a second the thought that I’ll be here for such a long time. No. And I ain’t lying when I said I’ve tried. With all my heart to love to be here, to be feels like I am meant to be here, to think that everything happens for a reason, reason that I might never know and yet Allah always knows what’s best for me. I’ve tried very hard to scares away the feeling of loneliness, the sense of not belonging, really. I tried hard. I tried to get along well with my classmates. I have a sense that they didn’t like me. Not in a bad way but, as I am constantly being the weakest in class, they do seems to avoid to be in group with me or something. It’s not a bad thing I think. Yeah, if I were them, I would thought so too. And its sort of my fault too. The way I speaks of how and that I’ll be leaving for UiTM Shah Alam to continue my study there and resume my PALAPES activities, proudly; even when I am uncertain of it. It’s not a bad thing either to think of it now. I never meant it in a bad way. I’m just simply doing proud to be a part of PALAPES, to have experiences in the organisation.
But yeah.. people might catch my words and notes as a threat, or more less as I am looking down on them. No, I don’t. in fact, I felt so low. All I can do is brag about PALAPES. Nothing more. I am so not good with people I guess. At first I thought it was people. But now that I think, it is me. When I am doing my matriculation, I argued with my roommates. Due to silly things. Then I think I should take that as a lesson. Then I got into UPSI, I’ve treated my roommates the best that I can. To the level that she had her legs cramp, I rubbed them with my own hand. And yet, she is not pleased with my kindness and make a fuse on me. And thus we argue again. Another lesson I think.. don’t be too kind, don’t just trust anyone. Just do your own things, care less of others. And I got into UiTM. And as much as I don’t take notes on what others do, I am still being blame for the argument we had. Gahhh… what do these people want for real?? Each lessons seems not fit for everyone.
It’s getting harder when in those situation; you have no shoulders to lean on. I can’t tell my parents how I feel, it would upset them. Here yet, I have no friends whom I trust enough to hear my sad sob stories. With each days past, the loneliness grows greater inside me, and slowly taking its toll. I become much sarcastic person. I grow to really not believing anyone and feels that everyone is against me. Even the simplest word people say to me would tear my heart up. The more rejection I get by each approach, the greater the sense of not belonging grows. And slowly, I begin to believe that they simply just play nice in front of me. Some didn’t even bother to play nice. Some just shows their despise of me right in front of me. Just as if the sense of not belonging is not enough, showing how much you despise someone is a great way to make them feel much smaller than ever.
Worst things come next. I failed one of my paper for the last semester and I have no guts to send an application for a campus change. So I have to swallow my pride and glory and stick my butt on this still campus and answers the same questions all over again.
Kata nak pindah? Tak jadi eh? OH fail? Paper apa?
Yup. And thus, pretending to be shameless, I answers all those insignificantly questions that made me feel much smaller and grew much holes of emptiness inside of me and tears up inside, alone, weeping of my fate and why it’s happen.
Until then, I still tried to be positive, still with the shameless attitude, trying to get closer with my classmates, tried to unbound any boundaries ever happen with us. And the more I try, the more I feel lonely. It’s not because I am tired of trying or whatsoever. But the rejection. The rejection that grew the loneliness even more. Once, in semester one, there this one group of ladies, girls. Well, relatively taking me into their group making me a mama.. so that they called me. And phrase themselves as kak long, kak cik, kak der, kak ngah and adek. It’s nice at first. Feeling of acceptance. Before people start to look at you in wonders. Yeah, it’s fine to them.. to be called whatsoever kak right. But me, mama.. people rather look at me with negative thoughts. It’s unpleasant yet pleasant at the same time. So I ask them to stop calling me so, as I would stop calling them with the names as well. I guess they consider that as a rejection. So as they stop calling me mama, I guess the friendship is over too. I am off their bound of friendship. No more privileges given. Even asking a simple favour is hard. Lots of excuses and worst no answers with any apologies. I don’t blame them. Though at some point, my heart bleed with tears. I thought of how they say to be friends forever and how much important each of us to each other before. I guess, I’m just fitted to be mama coincidently. And as I pulls off, then it’s over. So I tried to be friends with the others. Some seems to be willing to accept me, yet I do sense scepticalism in some. Wonders how much bad things ever came to their ears about me. Not saying anyone would eager to gossips about me. But yeah, ones who didn’t join the group always left to be spoken off in the group. Nonsense? No, it’s true. My mom is a woman who loves to stay at home. She rarely went out unless it’s for something important or she needed to be. Although she didn’t do anything bad at all, she is a favourable topics among the neighbours, for she didn’t be one of them, one of the housewives that’s gather every evening and gossips around.
And as she never mind it, I thought to be like her. Why bother something like that? But it’s hard. Alone, stranded miles away from home, families and friends, and no true friends close by, I grew into a very twisted person. I don’t know where else can I turned to; I am a lost soul. Lost in the middle of crowds that despise failure. I am lost. That’s when I decided to go back, turn around and find my God. I pray to Allah, crying in each prayers. Crying hard thinking about everything. Hoe twisted everything had be. How hard everything seems to be. I cried till the sejadah in front of me seems so blurs due to the tears. And then I went to sleep, and I feel sudden calmness. The heart, my heart, it longs for its master. My heart longs for Allah. Allah alone is enough for me, I thought. Even if no one understand me, as long as Allah did, it’s fine. So I decided to keep my solat first above all. Then I realise, all these time, I am always delaying my solat time. I didn’t take much time to preach a prayer after solat, and when I am praying, I am always in hurry. I’m after the world so much that I neglected my spirit. I left them with great thirst for human. Mortal human. So I have decided, now, I’ll put my God, Allah above all. Whatever happen in the future, I’ll trust Allah. I’ll trust Allah’s help. And I’ll keep praying to leave this empty holes fills again with Allah loves and cherish.. Amin..